It's not that I didn't love her those first few weeks, I certainly did, but it was so hard to process any feeling other than exhaustion. Add in the stress of her reflux, breastfeeding and hormones, plus the overwhelming feelings of being completely responsible for a little life- it's a lot to handle (thought no more than any other new parent experiences, I'm sure). I may regret saying this tomorrow, but it feels like we've finally passed from survival mode into living mode. As a friend of mine said, things finally just clicked, and it all seems a little more manageable.
That being said, now it feels like my baby is growing up quickly, and it makes me a little sad (there's just no pleasing me, is there?). I finally understand why everyone told me to savor these early days. Oh how I love her.
So now, when my to-do list is a mile long, and she won't nap any place other than my arms, I snuggle her close and breathe in her sweet baby smell. I kiss her cheeks, and the soft spot on her neck, over and over, whispering how much I love her, and how thankful I am to be her mom. When she wakes in the morning, I go in and greet her, and as she grins up at me, so happy, and ready to start the day, I smile back at her, even if it's a little earlier start than I'd like. When I nurse her, I hold her little baby hand, and marvel and how big she is getting, at how heavy she now feels in my arms. After her bath, I hold her and rock her, and read book after book, until her eyelids are too heavy to focus.
Some days are still long, some nights are still short, but I'm doing better about appreciating every moment with my girl.