Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Thank you.

First of all, thank you to everyone that let me know what they experienced in terms of old life new life experienced in regards to having kiddos.  It really does help to know that I'm not completely off my rocker because I'm scared of having a child.  I was so tempted to not even address my fears on here, because I was afraid it meant we should rethink our decision, or at least put it off a bit longer, and I didn't want to do that.  I was also afraid that it meant that I would sound like I wanted sleep and sushi more than a baby, which is also not the case.

Ya'll made me realize that making the decision to have a child does not mean you have to be thrilled about giving up the things you're giving up.  You just have to be willing to do so, and Husband and I are definitely at that point.  Part of my fear is also the not knowing- will I have bad morning sickness, when/ where will Husband find a job, where will we live next year... but there will always be things we don't know, or that surprise us.  That's life.

Many of you have heard of the horrible tornado that hit Joplin, MO.  Missouri is our home state, and Husband's hometown is very close to there.  Over this past weekend, we were there, moving some family of his into a town about 10 minutes away from the damage, a move that has been planned for months.  We saw firsthand how quickly life can change, and I grieve for those that have lost their homes, their jobs, and their loved ones. 

Joplin will be rebuilt, but you can't replace people.  They are what matter, and in spite of our doubts, and all of our fears about parenthood, we know that in the end, building our family is what matters to us.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Please, someone tell me I'm normal.

OK, I'm not sure if it's because the time to try is getting closer, or what, but the last few days, I'm having some prickling little "are you sure you're ready for this" thoughts.  Having a kid is such a major life change, and while I would say the majority of the time I've always wanted kids, there were some times that I questioned if I would ever feel ready, or ever be ready to stop being... selfish.

There, I said it, I'm a little bit selfish (sometimes a lot selfish).  I want what I want, when I want it.  Now this doesn't mean I always act selfishly, there's a good deal of give and take in my life between spouse, family, work, etc.  But, for the most part, my life balance tends to balance out quite well in my favor. 

I don't get to sleep in everyday, or every weekend, but ocasionally, I'm snoozing until 10am.  I don't get to eat out every single night at fancy places, but if I don't feel like cooking, I can usually talk Husband into a night out.  My job may not be perfect, but it provides for us, and I'm able to pursue photography on the side.  We may not jet off every other weekend, but we've managed to travel a bit even while Husband has been in school.  We have a great life, and it will (hopefully) only get better once Husband graduates from school. 

Part of me says that having a baby will be a lot of work, and sacrifice, but in the end, it will be worth it all.  But the other part of me- the part that doesn't want to stop being selfish, is scared.  Is this normal?  Did any of you have these doubts before embarking on motherhood? 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Hurry up and wait

Husband and I are set to start TTC in just a few weeks.  It seems so close, yet far away at the same time.  Given that it's highly unlikely we get pregnant our first month of trying, I feel even more like I am in the land of Hurry Up and Wait.  I think the waiting is the hardest part- not knowing if/when it will happen, but kind of planning your life around the possibility each month.  There will of course be a few weeks each month that there will be a possibility we're preggo and I'll have to avoid things like wine, coffee and sushi until we know for sure. 

This means that right when I'm the most nervous/ excited, I won't be able to partake in some of my favorite indulgances.  There's something a little bit backward about this, isn't there?  What do you think my chances are of getting a massage from Husband with the phrase. "I might be carrying your child"?

As I'm still a few weeks out, what last minute things do I need to make sure I indulge in/ take care of/ enjoy?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Blogger hates me...

Well, I figured out the problem with my comments.  Blogger thinks I'm a spammer, and is putting all of my comments in the spam folder.  So, please, if you've gotten an email for a comment from me, check your spam folder to check and make sure it's not in there.

I'm not sure what to do- I've posted in the Blogger help forums, and been told it's not a problem with my account, that I should contact the individual blog owners to see why my comments aren't being appropriately recieved.  But out of the few I've contacted, NONE of them moderate, and NONE of them have marked me as spam, so it is clearly Blogger doing it, and I have no idea how to get it fixed.

I understand that I comment a lot on a lot of different blogs- but I do this because I LIKE a lot of different blogs, and I know that I love getting comments, so I try to return the favor.  I feel like Blogger is punishing me for being an active and engaged blog reader.  I can post just fine, but I can't participate in any discussions.  Grrrr.

Any ideas?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I'm bA-ack...

Did you miss me? 

I missed you all- in fact, I spent the majority of my car ride home from the airport on Google Reader, trying to catch up on all I missed!  We had a fabulous time in DC, saw tons of stuff, got to hang out with our friends, and eat lots of yummy food!  Now, it's back to the grindstone- I've got work, photography, and a house to keep up with, and oh yeah, we'll be attempting to make a baby in just a few weeks!

I guess you could techinically even say we've entered the "trying" phase, but since I know the opportunity has passed for this month I don't really think of it as trying yet.  Plus, Husband is enjoying the rest of his little vacay from school until rotations start by spending time with family out of state, so there's really no trying or not trying going on haha!

Of course this hasn't stopped me from dreaming about a baby, or trying out names, or thinking about nursery decor:)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Blogger issues

Shortly before Blogger went down yesterday, I figured out that I'm having issues with my comments appearing on some of the blogs I follow. I found out none of my comments appeared on the blog of a friend of a friend and just figured that maybe that person didn't approve comments from people they didn't know, but I had it happen to me on another blog yesterday and I contacted the blogger. She told me she had gotten the comment emailed to her, but had no idea why it didn't show up on the page.

I checked another few blogs I knew I had left comments on and it was a mixed bag- some had my comments show up, others, they were nowhere to be found.

Now if for any reason, a blogger did delete my comments, I fully believe that everyone has the right to manage comments left on their blog and delete them for any reason. But if you didn't mean to not have my comments show up, I didn't want you to think I deleted them, or that I'm a bad bloggie friend because I don't comment!

I reported the issue in google forum and I'll update when I know more...

Oh to have a crystall ball...

This blog is reposted from yesterday because Blogger has been all kinds of messed up.

I would love to know when/ where Husband will be employed next year when he graduates Pharmacy school and I would love to know if/ when we will get pregnant.

I've been keeping a secret (no I'm not pregnant). It's the reason we have an ideal window, and why this blog is anonymous. Here goes: when Husband graduates, we are not limiting ourselves to jobs in the state where we currently reside. If he gets a job in another state, we will be moving, selling our house, and I will not return to work after a baby is born.

However, depending on if/when we get pregnant, we may not know where Husband will be employed before I go on maternity leave. This means the status of my job would be pretty up in the air. My job, which is currently our only source of income, which provides our health insurance, and which I'm pretty sure will ask me if I plan to return to work the moment I announce I'm pregnant.

I have quite a bit of vacation and personal leave saved up, and plan to use FMLA, but I've run into some questions about what will happen to my benefits if I decide not to return to work. Problem-there's no one to ask without giving away the fact that I may not return. I know that FMLA is really more about protecting your job to allow you to return, but at my job, you also have health benefits the whole time you're on FMLA. I've read some stories of people not returning to work after FMLA and their job then lists their last date worked as their last date of employement, which means they didn't have insurance converage when they delivered.

Ummm, no thank you. Must have insurance while a baby exits my nether regions.

To combat this, I've ready about people returning to work after FMLA, giving their two week notice the day they come back, etc. I have no desire to do this, but I'm scared of the limbo we'll be facing with Husband's job situation.

Plus, what if I do end up coming back? I'm a pretty honest person, and I don't want to leave my employers in a lurch, so my instict is to be 100% honest about the possibility of me not returning to work. However, I don't want to not have a job to come back to if I decide to return.

Blahhhh. This is not good for my plan happy self.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend and Mother's Day! Husband and I definitely talked this weekend about the idea that next year could be my first Mother's Day! He even got me two cards- one from our dogs (haha) and another that had all the lovely mushy stuff about a wife as a mother- he filled in the words to-be wherever it said mother. Pretty darn thoughtful.

Not a lot of exciting stuff on the baby front since we've decided to put off trying until next month. I'm still charting away, hopeful that this month I'll get a positive OPK stick at the right time. Other than that we're looking forward to our trip, and trying to get finished with a lot of projects.

How was your Mother's Day?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Busy month(s) ahead...

We leave for Washington D.C. in 10 days! I have an engagement session to photograph this weekend, and I need to edit the photos BEFORE we leave for DC so the couple can pick images for a book they'd like displayed at their wedding (one month from today). I've got another engagement session the weekend after we get back from DC, and a bridal session right before Memorial Day. We've got plans for Memorial Day Weekend, and then we've got two weddings to photograph in June.

All of this plus my full time job, Husband has finals next week, starts rotations in June, and oh yeah, we're going to start trying to make a baby somewhere in there!

Life is full, and I am thankful.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Good News!

First of all, I want to celebrate that the heroic efforts of our armed forces were successful in bringing down Osama bin Laden. I am a proud daughter of a retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, and I know the sacrifices our military and their families have endured to bring this about. I thank them for this victory.

Second, though not nearly as important, but still a big deal to me, I think I've figured out my cycle! Possible TMI ahead, so stop reading if that makes you uncomfortable (and probably avoid me in real life as I tend to overshare).

Now this may all be a fluke since it was my first month off the pill, but I had a definite thermal shift on day 14, so my ovulation date would be day 13. I also got a visit from AF this morning meaning that I have a 25 day cycle (since today would be day 1 of this cycle). The only thing throwing me off is that I started using those fun little OPK sticks on day 12, since I had some severe pain going on that evening. I tested that night, twice the next day (which should have been ovulation day) and the day after that. All negative. So either my chart is wrong or those little sticks aren't accurate. Or maybe I missed my "surge". I'm going to start testing right after I finish my period this time to see if I get a postive (for ovulation) this month.

Now, if my chart is accurate and it's not a fluke, we will officially start trying in June! We had talked about starting as early as May, but right now that I would possibly conceive before or during our trip to DC, and be around 6 weeks when I photograph a wedding in June. We really want one last "just us" trip, we plan to partake in a wine tasting while there, and I have no desire to be throwing up when I'm supposed to be photographing a wedding ceremony.

The extra good news is that with a shorter cycle, we'll have more chances to try before we get to the end of our "preferred" zone for conception. Yes, we understand it is all up to God, and yes, we will welcome a child whenever He give us the blessing, but there are some work related reasons we aren't crazy about a July or August due date. If we're not preggo in our "zone" we may stop trying for a few months to get us past those dates.