Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Another two week wait

This month was supposed to be not trying, but not preventing, and that's what we did.  But, now that I'm in my two week wait, I find myself really hoping I'm pregnant again. I was going to try to hold out until after a possible missed period to test, to follow along with our approach this month, but for the past few days, at some point in the day I'd convince myself I was pregnant.  And so, I've tested the last two days... with negative results.  Last month I got my positive the evening of 9DPO (days past ovulation) and today I'm 10DPO, so I'm a little discouraged.  I keep reminding myself that every pregnancy is different, and that if a few extra days or months of waiting gives me a sticky baby it is well worth the wait. 

I think Husband is upset that I'm not waiting to test- the reason we planned to wait was so that we wouldn't get attached if we are pregnant and miscarry early again.  I see his point- I even agree with him, but right now I'm analyzing every twinge, high temperature, etc and wondering.  Plus, my new doctor has said I could come in as soon as I get a positive test, and if there is anything that could be done to prevent another loss, I want to know as soon as possible. 

Plus, I'm a POAS addict.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Husband gets a gold star- or five.

I am very happy to report that I got a LOT done over the weekend.  As I've mentioned before, I have a photography business on the side and the months of May and June were crazy busy for me.  In fact, it took until late July (this past weekend) for me to even begin to feel caught up.  Lots of sessions, design work, two weddings, on top of a regular full-time job, a pregnancy and a miscarriage will do that to you. 

Somewhere in there, I realized I had taken on too much.  I was scheduling life around photography, instead of the other way around.  And, when we lost the baby, I crawled into a bit of a hole and didn't want to come out for while.  Completely understandable, but I hadn't scheduled down time for myself, especially not the time needed to deal with the loss, as well as keep up with all of my professional obligations and everything that needed to get done at home. 

Husband stepped up.  In a huge way.  He cleaned, did laundry, prepared meals, grocery shopped, and even sorted through a lot of photos for me.  He basically made it possible for me to concentrate on finishing up the sessions I had booked, while also encouraging me to take on a bit less in the future.  When it came to the baby, he let me cry when I needed to, and mourned with me, but he also coaxed me out of the hole.  And when I want to crawl back in, he's there, reminding me that things are better on this side.

The past few months are just one example of many times in life that I couldn't do without him.  There really aren't words to describe how safe and cherished he makes me feel.  Even when our world is crumbling, and when I bite off more than I can chew, he's there- encouraging me, fighting for me, and loving me.  I love him too.

Friday, July 22, 2011

When I'm not dreaming about a baby

I'm dreaming about a dream house!  Now, when Husband graduates we'll have a mountain of student loans to pay off, but I love accumulating house ideas for someday.  Pinterest has just fed my obsession:)

Cozy and beautiful-I love window seats.
Source: None via SushiMama on Pinterest

Sooo much prettier than the tubs we keep the dog food in now.
Source: via SushiMama on Pinterest

LOVE the color, and love the whole secret room concept!

Completely brilliant- maybe I'd actually iron if I had this...

Source: via SushiMama on Pinterest

Swoon.  Drool.  Repeat.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Switching Drs.

I've had my current OB/Gyn since we moved here in 2008.  He's a nice guy, thorough and personable, but but something about his manner just didn't really click with me.  However, I only went in for my yearly, and it didn't seem like that big of a deal until we started thinking about trying for a baby.  I debated switching right away, but reasoned that it wasn't "fair" to switch when there wasn't anything specific I was unhappy about- I just wasn't happy either.

When we got our positive test, I called and scheduled our first ultrasound.  They scheduled it for 6 weeks, which I was very happy about (I'd heard most doctors don't have you in until 8 weeks).  I figured we'd go to our first appointment, and if I still wasn't comfortable, I would switch.  Of course, I never made it to that first appointment.  To make a long story short, the days after my miscarriage were full of waiting for calls back from the doctor's office, wondering what in the world we were supposed to do next, and being told conflicting info from what the ER doctor told us.  I didn't have a followup appointment, or much information about what to expect.

Once the fog lifted,  I had some questions about the process, and when we could start trying again, etc, so I called again, and finally heard back a few days later.  I was wondering about trying again this cycle, as my pregnancy had ended very early, and my HCG levels in the ER were already at 9.3.  Without asking any details of my specific situation, or explaining why, the nurse informed me that they recommend that every patient wait at least one cycle.

Now there's a chance this didn't make me happy because it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I also wasn't happy because I felt like I was not getting personalized attention and treatment from my doctor.  I like attention- whether it's in the form of comments from readers, phone calls from my best friend, spontaneous dates with my husband- I think everyone likes to feel like they're being heard and having their words considered.  And, after something as devastating as the loss of a child, I wanted a bit of empathy from my doctor.  I wanted someone to take my hand and guide me through, and I was not getting it from them.

And so, I switched.  A few of the ladies in my small group at church all have the same doctor and HIGHLY recommended her, so that's who I called.  I have only spoken to the medical assistant so far, but they called me back quickly, and explained exactly what to expect and why.  She also said they ask patients to wait one cycle, to ensure that everything from the last pregnancy is gone, and you're starting fresh.  However, after asking the specific details of my miscarriage, she said if we were to get pregnant this cycle, it would be fine.

Then she discussed what they'd do when I get pregnant again.  Normal protocol is to have the patient come in for blood work when they get that first positive test, then not again until 8 weeks.  However, because of my miscarriage, she said they would order extra blood work in between those appointments to make sure my levels are increasing, just to give me peace of mind.  I could have cried I was so happy after that phone call.  I know that I did what was right for me, and a future pregnancy.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Thursday, July 14, 2011


OK, time for some happier posts!

We're heading up to Missouri to visit the in laws this weekend and I cannot wait.  It's my favorite (only) brother-in-law's birthday, so we're spending Friday night at he and my SIL's house, sippin' margaritas, painting our toes and giggling like little girls. 

Ok, that may only be my SIL and I, but I'm sure the boys will find a way to amuse themselves as well.

Then Saturday and Sunday we'll be joining up with my MIL and FIL on their houseboat for some fun in the sun.  We always have tons of fun at the lake, and it's been way too long since we spent a weekend on the water. 

In other news, the last Harry Potter movie comes out this weekend!  Husband and I both love Harry Potter, and while I'm a little sad it's the last one ever, I'm so excited to see it!  I think we may try to go Sunday after we get back.  I hope they didn't stray too far from the book- it's always a disappointment to me when they do. 

Any other Potter fans out there?

Monday, July 11, 2011

Try, try again

Losing our first pregnancy was hard, and in many ways, I feel terrified to try again.  I'm scared to get excited, and worried we may miscarry a second time.  Also, I feel guilty because any child we may conceive would not be possible if Easton had lived.  But, I also understand that nothing will change what happened, and no amount of worrying will change what will happen in the future.

And so, we're trying again.  Trying to continuously put our faith in God, and to give our future over to Him.  Trying to be excited, and trying to trust.

I have no idea what miscarrying has done to my body.  From what I have read, it is different for every woman.  And so, while I am back to charting, I am doing so to make sure my cycle is "normal", not necessarily to conceive.  Our attitude right now is: if it happens, it happens.  Once I'm through a full cycle, we plan to return to actively "trying", but for right now, we're just trusting.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


Finding out we were pregnant was 100% the best day of our lives.  We told several people (including all of you), and had big plans to tell our parents and some other family over Fourth of July weekend.  The only reason we were waiting to tell them was so we would be able to do it in person.  There's a lot of people that don't tell about a pregnancy until they're further along, in case something happens, and I completely understand that train of thought.  "Un-telling" was extremely painful, and I'll never forget that feeling of crying and shaking so hard you can't catch your breath.  

But I'm glad we told.  Honestly, my biggest regret is not having gotten the chance to tell our parents and other family before we miscarried.  It's a very personal decision, but for me, telling people early, having them be excited along with us, and also, having them share our grief in a strange way validates our feelings.  Having their support and understanding means the world to me. 

I'm glad we told.  I'm glad we got to excitedly share our news with people we loved.  And I'm glad that we are not the only ones that got a chance to love our baby.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Miscarriage Club

This is not a club I ever wanted to join, but its members are many.  I've found a lot of support from them, and from family, close friends, and also, all of you.  While we only knew about our baby for a week, I feel like I loved that child my whole life, with the dreams and fears and planning that goes along with expecting a little one all resting on them.  It's crazy how much you can love someone who never even had a heartbeat.  From the moment we saw the positive test, I also saw first birthday parties, first day of school, sleepovers with friends, piano lessons, fort building, homecoming dances, college graduation and more.  It's like their whole life flashed before my eyes, and then, just a week later, that life was over before we could even catch our breath.  This baby was our first, it made us three instead of two, it made us parents.  

A big part of me doesn't want to remember the pain of this time, but I don't want to forget anything that has to do with my first baby.  I know many women go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies, and I'm hopeful for that, but it won't change the fact that we wanted this baby.  And this baby is gone.

We will never forget this little one, and because of that, we felt it was important to give it a name.  Husband and I had already picked out a name for a boy and a few names for a girl that we liked, but none of them seemed to fit this circumstance.  The name we chose was one we both liked, but he for a boy and me for a girl.  Because of that, it's not one we would have normally used, but it feels right now. 


It reminds me that the sun rises in the east, where it gives first light.