Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Beta results!

Well, I had my first appointment yesterday and it went really well!  The nurse spent quite awhile with me, going over my history and basically just reassuring me that what happened last time doesn't mean that it will happen again.  She said the cramping is normal, but she understands that I'll be nervous.  She scheduled my next appointment (and first ultrasound!) for September 19.  I'll be one day shy of 7 weeks, so we should get to see the heartbeat if everything goes well.

The results from my blood draw were progesterone at 22, which she said anything above 15 is good, and HCG was 207.  She had told me she expected my HCG to be anywhere from 100-1,000, so when she called with the results today she said that this is totally normal, but since it's not near 1,000, if I wanted to come in for another blood draw tomorrow it would be fine to see if my levels are increasing, for my own peace of mind. 

A chance to know everything is fine for another day?  Yes, please.  Plus, the suckers at the lab are delicious! 

I'm trying to let go of the fear and just enjoy it, and I think I'm getting closer to that.  I stopped taking my temperature this morning, but I'll probably keep POAS for awhile yet.  I'm addicted.  And it's fun to see two pink lines.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lets try this again!

The reason I've been a bit quiet on the blog is because I found out last Thursday that we are pregnant!  I had tested the day before and gotten a negative, so I wasn't planning on testing again for a few days, but that POAS urge is pretty strong (and I'm a pansy that can't resist).  This time I was smart and didn't throw out my ummm, sample, so when I saw a faint glimmer of a line I tested again and definitely saw something there as well.  Since I had two digitals, I figured I'd try one (since there was no way Husband would believe there was a line) and if it was negative I'd just test again in the morning.  It took a lot longer to come up this time than it did last time, but when it did, it said PREGNANT!

I thought about trying to do something different this time around to tell Husband but since I hadn't really been expecting a positive I didn't have a lot of time to think haha.  And so, I threw the "Big Brother" shirt on our dog- the "Big Sister" wasn't being too cooperative- and let him outside where Husband was mowing.  I watched from the inside window and could hear Husband asking, "what is that?", and then breaking into a big grin.  Pretty sure his smile just got bigger when I showed him our positive test!

Unfortunately, along with our excitement was a lot of fear.  I don't want to say it clouded the moment, it just... changed it.  Every time we talk about the baby, it's with the caution of if we get to keep it.  In fact, we haven't really even talked about it very much.  It's for this reason I didn't share it on here as soon as we knew.  It doesn't feel as real yet, and I'm trying hard to be prepared for the worst.  Maybe that's a bad way of doing it, but it's all I can handle right now.

That being said, I'm four weeks today, and I go in for my first Dr appointment this afternoon for a blood draw!  I've been taking pregnancy tests everyday (sometimes more than once a day), and the line keeps getting darker.  Also, I've kept charting, and my temps are still high, so I think those are both good signs.  I did have some cramping and lower back pain last night, and a little bit today, but there's nothing I can really do other than pray, and ask you all to pray as well:)

Monday, August 29, 2011

Back to reality

Thank you guys for the positive comments/ texts/ emails on how sweet my hubby is.  He definitely has his moments:)  I think I just needed to have a good cry, and a break from things for a day to get them into perspective.

I had an extremely lazy weekend.  I never had allergies before we moved here, but now, I do!  I got some work done around the house Saturday morning, worked on some photo stuff, and then proceeded to be worthless on the couch the rest of the day.  Four hour nap?  Yes please.  Church and lunch with a friend on Sunday was fabulous, and now it's back at the grind today. 

How was your weekend?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I want to remember

I took a day off work today- lets call it a mental health day.  Because honestly, I've felt like I was losing it the last few days.  We're nearing the end of another two week wait, and I don't think I'm pregnant (neither does the pregnancy test I took this morning).  We've been trying to figure out finances- including how to pay for my trip to the ER- and that has stressed me out.  Work is... frustrating, that's all I'm going to say about that.

To top it all off, right about now I would have been about 12 weeks along, which means that all the other people that got pregnant around the same time are now announcing it on Facebook.  With similar due dates.  And while I know I should be happy for them, for some reason I didn't think about other people getting pregnant at the same time as me (or maybe I blocked it), and it stings.  So yup, yesterday I cried a lot.  That's what I was doing when my poor husband came in to sit next to me last night.  And like the selfish, emotional person I am, I was bawling to him that everyone else was getting what they want, and we weren't getting what we want.  Do you know what he said?

"I have what I want- I have you."

I won't lie and say it completely changed my attitude, but it did help.  And I want to remember that he feels like I'm enough.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I'm really hoping I'm pregnant

Because it would explain my crazy mood swings.  Granted I wouldn't be far enough along for it to be an excuse, but man, my emotions have been allll over the place.  We headed out of town for the weekend, to celebrate my niece's birthday and it was wonderful to spend time with family.  I adore all three of my nieces, and while I loved being around them, my heart was just a little bit sad that we're not three months into our first pregnancy, on our way to becoming parents ourselves.  I guess we're just supposed to soak up their sweetness a little longer.

As an update from my last post, I think we're going to end up taking out a small grad-plus loan for this semester.  We had hoped to avoid this, but in the grand scheme of things, adding another drop in the (large) bucket of student loans is something we need to do right now.  Without doing so, things would not just be tight this fall, there would be bills that would go unpaid.  We have no idea what the Spring disbursement will look like, but we don't think we'll need to take any additional out then since Husband will start working AND we get a large tax refund.  This is just a season, this is just a season, this is just a season.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The one where I complain... a lot

So freakin' tired.  I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to wait up for Husband to get home from working on a project last night, but let me tell you, I am exhausted.  I would treat myself to a big cup o coffee, but I promised to give it up while we're TTC because caffeine and artificial sweeteners aren't great for the baby-makin'.  I am dragging.

In other news, we got our student loan disbursement for the fall yesterday- over $4,000 less than our summer disbursement.  Yup, that sucked.  Thankfully we had paid our Tahoe off, and gotten a massive amount of repairs done to it, but things are going to be tight his fall.  Repairs on my car will be put on hold, and the plans we had for our anniversary this year will need to be modified greatly if not completely wiped.  The ER visit for the miscarriage cost us our entire deductible plus some, which was obviously an unplanned expense, so that was a bit of a financial blow as well, and we're heading into a busy fall.  Family events out of state and travel for holidays add up. 

I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer, and we're not destitute by any means but I get a bit tired of people saying "Ohhh getting so and so through law/medical/pharmacy school was tough, but we made it," without ever elaborating.  It feels like they just gloss over the hard stuff and people on the outside just see the dollar signs at the end of the road and think you're set for life.  They don't see the years of late nights, stress over finances, and stress in general that go along with these programs. 

Yes, we're trying for a baby, and yes, babies cost money, but we're also hoping for a due date of late spring/ early summer, and spring semester should be a lot better financially an stress-wise.

Again, sorry to be such a downer, but that's what's going on in our lives right now!

Monday, August 15, 2011

One week later

I was at a conference last week and finishing up some photo sessions, which left no time for blogging.  Back in the swing of things this week.  We're heading out of town this weekend for some family time out of state, and if my cycle's back on track I should be ovulating this week.  Yay!  When I started this blog words like ovulating scared me, but now, I don't care haha.  So, this week will be busy as we'll be getting busy hehe.  TMI?

Husband and I have been talking a lot lately about next year- hopefully we'll be having a baby, he'll be graduating, starting a job, etc.  Eventually we want to build our dream house, so we've been looking at a lot of house plans (love Pinterest for saving them all).  We found our dream plan, but it's ginormous, and would cost a fortune to build.  So, we'll keep looking, but just in case you were curious... here tis:

Be still my heart:)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Weekend plans

Husband's brother and SIL arrive tonight and I am ready for the weekend!  The boys plan to play Mario Brothers on the Wii like 5 year olds, while SIL and I plan to partake in some retail therapy:)  Is it weird that one of my favorite things to do when we have visitors is plan the menu? Tonight I'm using a recipe I found on Pinterest, and making this:

Pairing it with roasted green beans, pasta with basil, and finishing with strawberry shortcake.

Now I'm hungry.  Hurry up 5:00!!!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The baby diet

When I found out I was pregnant, one of the first things we did was go out and stock up on baby friendly food.  When we lost the baby, those healthy choices went out the window and in their place, I've been indulging in sushi (duh), wine, cake, pasta, etc. 

I've never really struggled with weight issues, but that in no way means that I'm healthy, either.  I hate working out, and I like to cook things in butter.  Husband has felt the effects, and my energy has suffered as well (which is especially bad considering I've now been of my narcolepsy meds for 3 months).  I still plan to indulge in some things until we get pregnant again (sushi), but I also want to make sure that my body is a good home for baby while we're trying. 

Husband has decided that a fruit smoothie each morning is a good way to get started, and that doesn't involve the gym, so I plan to join him.  I've also heard that you can add things like spinach to a smoothie and not even notice it's in there.  Sounds like an easy change to make.  Any other tips or tricks for getting healthier that don't involve me running a 10k?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Back to the drawing board

And so... another cycle begins.  Another month of hoping and praying and trying.  This last cycle was 6 days longer than usual, which was another frustration, but I had heard to expect it after a miscarriage.  I just hope that this time around I can be back to "normal".  For those of you that remember, we have an ideal window to get pregnant, and therefore, and ideal delivery window as well.  This is the last month that would allow us to hit our window.  If this isn't our month, we'll continue to try, and adjust, but man, I hope this is our month.

In other news, Husband starts his third rotation today, and we're having visitors this weekend!  Husband's brother and SIL are visiting and I'm so excited to have fun weekend with them.  It's only Monday and I'm already ready for Friday!