This is not a club I ever wanted to join, but its members are many. I've found a lot of support from them, and from family, close friends, and also, all of you. While we only knew about our baby for a week, I feel like I loved that child my whole life, with the dreams and fears and planning that goes along with expecting a little one all resting on them. It's crazy how much you can love someone who never even had a heartbeat. From the moment we saw the positive test, I also saw first birthday parties, first day of school, sleepovers with friends, piano lessons, fort building, homecoming dances, college graduation and more. It's like their whole life flashed before my eyes, and then, just a week later, that life was over before we could even catch our breath. This baby was our first, it made us three instead of two, it made us parents.
A big part of me doesn't want to remember the pain of this time, but I don't want to forget anything that has to do with my first baby. I know many women go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies, and I'm hopeful for that, but it won't change the fact that we wanted this baby. And this baby is gone.
We will never forget this little one, and because of that, we felt it was important to give it a name. Husband and I had already picked out a name for a boy and a few names for a girl that we liked, but none of them seemed to fit this circumstance. The name we chose was one we both liked, but he for a boy and me for a girl. Because of that, it's not one we would have normally used, but it feels right now.
It reminds me that the sun rises in the east, where it gives first light.